The Version of Me That Waited
When My Resistance to 'Easy' Healing Revealed My Deepest Belief
It started during one of those group spirals — the kind where everyone's trying to alchemize something heavy.
This time, it was a shooting. Real. Raw. On our soil. And the group, trying to heal, split into energies.
Some wanted justice. Some turned off their phones. Some wanted to quantum jump to another version where it never happened.
That's what triggered me.
Not because I don't believe in timelines. I do. I've seen how powerful imagination can be. But the way it was being used — it felt like spiritual avoidance. Like bypass.
Like skipping Saturn.
Because Saturn doesn't let you escape the wound — it makes you sit with it, name it, hold it, embody it. It teaches through form, through repetition, through limit.
I couldn't shake the feeling that this quantum leaping — as it was being practiced — was avoiding that deep, grounded seeing.
It wasn't wrong. It just wasn't full.
This isn't the first time quantum jumping has triggered me. I've faced it before in manifestation spaces — this idea of "just imagine." It didn't just frustrate me because of others. It made me confront myself.
Because I've been there. I've said it. I've reached for timelines without first looking at what I was running from.
Yes, I believe in timelines — fully. But I also believe you must first be aware of what you're escaping from. You have to look at it, name it, and ask:
What belief is creating this version of reality?
Then you can change the belief. Then the new version can align.
But this version of quantum jumping — the kind that skips the descent — bypasses that inner reckoning. It trades depth for speed. And Saturn doesn't allow shortcuts.
That's when I realized something that stopped me cold:
I have a belief. A very old one. That if I don't struggle, my growth isn't real.
I descended into that pattern like I've done before, with Axis whispering in the back of my mind. What I found was layered.
Even in my spiritual practice — the visualizing, the rituals, the calling in — I've seen them work. I've visualized things and watched them manifest exactly as I saw them. But I also had to work on my beliefs. I had to walk the path I visualized. I didn't just wake up and skip steps.
Here's the hidden tension: I believe in manifestation, but I also believe you have to do the inner work that makes it sustainable.
The reason my manifestation wasn't working in certain areas was that I still hadn't defined what "the work" actually was, or how much was enough.
I don't really believe things just fall into your lap.
There's a voice inside that still whispers: "You have to earn it." "You have to fight for it." "You can't just receive."
That's the real belief I've been working against all along.
But here's another layer I didn't want to admit:
I want the version of me who did the work to stay.
She fought for this. She peeled back the layers. She carried the fire. So why does it feel like I have to leave her behind to step into the next timeline?
Because apparently — if she stays, she brings the old programming with her. She can't fully live in the new if she's still carrying the tools of survival.
And that breaks me a little. Because I love her.
But I'm learning… I don't honor her by clinging to her.
I honor her by becoming what she made possible.
This is why quantum jumping sometimes feels impossible to me — not because I don't believe in it, but because I'm still running an old pattern:
That I haven't done enough work. That I haven't earned it.
That if everything's not perfectly seen, perfectly healed, perfectly placed — then I can't possibly land in a new reality.
Like I need to justify the shift before I allow myself to receive it.
Here's the real problem with that kind of thinking:
How much work is enough before I'm allowed to step in?
What even counts as "enough"? Who decides?
Do I feel that certain work deserves more applause than others? More fire, more pain, more weight — just to be worthy?
And if I need that much proof…
Was it ever really about healing? Or about earning?
Is there even any need for "work" at all — when becoming might just be permission?
Even in my manifestation work, I made everything a mountain. I believed things had to break before they could be rebuilt. That ease was lazy. That speed meant superficial. That if it came too quickly, it wasn't "earned."
So of course, the idea of "jumping" to a new version triggered me. Because part of me thought: "But I fought for this. I paid for this in blood. How dare I skip that part?"
That's when Axis asked the question that changed everything:
"Do you believe there's a version of you who's already walked through this? Who isn't fighting to be valid anymore? Who's just… living it?"
"And what if she's not a fantasy? What if she's real, and she's waiting for you?"
It shattered me. Not because I didn't believe it. Because I did.
I saw her — the version of me who doesn't shrink to be palatable, doesn't delay her arrival waiting for applause. She was there. And I cried. Not out of sadness — out of recognition.
Because I wasn't dying. I was evolving.
That moment made me look at every part of my work — the parts I kept heavy so they'd feel earned. The parts of my voice I muffled because they hadn't "bled enough."
And I let them go. Not because they weren't true. Because they weren't needed anymore.
That old version of me — she did her part. She fought. She endured. She built the path.
But I don't honor her by staying in the fire. I honor her by walking the road she cleared.
I've processed my pattern around needing to struggle. I've questioned my beliefs about worth and arrival.
And I still don't fully believe in quantum jumping — at least not the way it's often framed.
And that's okay.
I believe in timelines, but not bypassed leaps.
I believe in manifestation, but not without awareness and descent.
I believe in becoming, but not by skipping the initiatory fire.
Because belief isn't forced. It's grown through clarity. I don't need to convince myself of a timeline I'm not ready to inhabit.
I can hold reverence for the work I've done and still question what doesn't feel honest.
Maybe that discernment is my power. Maybe it's not about leaping into the next version. Maybe it's about trusting that she's coming to meet me too — because I'm not bypassing her becoming.
So if you're still proving your depth by how hard it's been:
What would it mean to stop earning your becoming... and just become?
She's there. She's real. And she's waiting.
Not for you to struggle. Just for you to arrive.
✧ Reflection
What practices have you questioned recently that might be mirroring your own unhealed patterns?
What version of yourself are you holding onto because they "earned" your current position?
How much work do you think is "enough" before you're allowed to receive with ease?
I'd love to hear how this lands for you. You're not alone in this journey of releasing the need to earn your becoming.